WELCOME TO MILLERS BLOODHOUNDS
This publication is owned and ran by my Bloodhounds,located in central Illinois.Since 2002
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
Jesus Is Watching
· This burglar is breaking into a house at night. Sneaking around he suddenly hears: "Jesus is watching you!" The burglar is shocked, ducks down, and remains silent for a while, but nothing happens.
· After a minute or so, he hears nothing, so he gets up again. Again he hears, but a little louder and more like a warning: "Jesus is still watching you!"
· "Good heavens!" he thinks, "What's going on here?"
· Silently he strafes backward and again -and really loud this time-: "Jesus is *really* watching you!" Okay, this guy is almost getting a heart attack and switches on his Maglite.
· After a little looking around he detects this parrot.
Burglar: "A parrot?"
Parrot: "Yes, that's me!"
Burglar: "You can talk pretty well!"
Parrot: "Yes, I'm already 50 years of age."
Burglar: "Phew I really thought something weird was going on here! What's your name?"
Parrot: "Henry."
Burglar: "Henry? That's a weird name for a parrot."
Parrot: "Not as weird as 'Jesus' for a Rottweiler!"
Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You
10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day
9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room
8. Ice floating in toilet water
7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep
6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant
5. You can never find the leftovers
4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel
3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.
2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover"
1. Your apartment keys no longer work
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Veterinarian
10. When you hand him your cat, he asks uncomfortably, "Monkey?"
9. Two weeks later, your dog coughs up a rubber glove.
8. Big sign in waiting room: No Pets Allowed!
7. Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese restaurant.
6. Always saying "I've got a tick in my pants."
5. Sends you a card every spring: "Time for your dog's annual neutering."
4. First question, "What ails your varmint?"
3. He has a lot of posters up advertising cockfights.
2. He himself wears one of those big funnel shaped dog collars.
1. He bites!
Sign in front:
Joe's vet and taxidermy.
Either way you get your dog back
MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB????
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?
DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting--perhaps a fluorescent bulb. SHEPHERD
: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done--they keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it. POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.
PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No-- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?
CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!
SCHIPPERKE: It's your light bulb--change it yourself. Unless.....is there food involved??
POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.
BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?
WEIMARANER: Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHTBULB??
LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.
BASENJI: LIGHTBULB?? We don't change no stinking light bulbs!!
MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.
BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair.........
AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb, land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. Two: What light bulb? So? We can play in the dark. GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee - and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself - you didn't have to do that - but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."
DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.
ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.
CORGI: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!
SPRINGER: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out--then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.
WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!
GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap.
I'll add the light bulb to my "To Do" list...."
DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat......no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it.........No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez..........do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".)
IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.
PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb..........I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please???? Let go of the light bulb??????
GOD CREATED
God created the mule and told him: "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him: "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to who you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded: "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him: "You are Monkey. You will swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded: "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him: "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world, you will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule, working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age to live as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren. And it was so.
THE DOGGIE PLEDGE
* I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
* "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
* The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
* I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
* I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet
* I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
* I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones so my people will think I am dying.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
* I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her ear.
* I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
* I will not throw up in the car.
* I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
* When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur *before* entering the house.
* I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
* I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
* We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
"The Creation Story As Told By The Dog
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog. On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy, and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Does Your Dog Own You?
- You believe every dog is a lap dog.
- If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
- You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
- You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
- You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
- You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
- No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
- You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
- You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
- You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
- You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
- You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
- Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
- When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
- You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
- You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
- Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats......
Life lessons learned from a dog
- If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
- Don't go out without ID.
- Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
- Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
- Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
- Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
- When you do something wrong, always take responsibility
(as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).- If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
Weather (US Only)
Recent Photos
